He Did This To Us
by cutie.with.class
Summary: Madis Baker, the quiet, invisible girl must live through what Clay had when he had the tapes, but as Hannah's sister. She thinks she can at least try but what comes out of the experience is one she will dreadfully never forget. How can you mistaken the sounds of sirens? *May Include Triggers*
1. Chapter 1

He Did This To Us  
Chapter 1

I watched as Clay paced back and forth in thought with Tony sitting besides me on his bed. I was called to Tony's place to help him with Clay, but so far neither of us has really said a word, especially Clay.

"Why am I here again?" I asked Tony in a tone quiet enough for Clay not to be able to hear us. My gaze was still glued on Clay in case he decides to say something.

"He hasn't been saying a word and it's concerning." Tony replied in a matched tone.

"I can see that." I mumbled, hoping for more of an explanation. I soon gave up hope Clay would say something and looked at Tony, watching the amusement play out on his face from my response.

"The very few words he has been saying involve him beating himself up and blaming himself for Hannah's loss. The tapes really fucked him up, and I'm afraid things are going to get worse." He said before looking back at me. "And I called you as not only one of his closest friends, but his lover's sister."

I cringed at the word. "Don't say lover ever again." I said before hesitating in thought of how to word my response. For being Hannah's sister, you'd think someone would have the decency to pass the tapes down to me so I can hear the rumored thirteen reasons why behind her death, but nope, I stand as oblivious as those who knew her name from her suicide. The only other person who knows this is Clay so it's more of our little secret that I am no help, everyone else assumes I heard.

For that terrible wonder that I dread to know, you can also think there would at least be some good in her death for either me, her or other people but my benefits makes me feel more guilt than anything else. You could say having your sister die would make you more recognized, but I'm still stuck as being invisible. Even Clay doesn't seem to take too much notice of me especially after Hannah's death. I looked down at my hands as they rested on my lap. I can feel my body grow rather numb again.

"Yeah, it's been pretty tough on everyone." I added finally, looking back at Tony, wondering if he knew I was taking the easy way out somehow.

"I'm sorry for your loss… I know I say this a thousand times but I just can't help but feel bad." He said, genuine sympathy bright in his voice.

I couldn't help but smile a little and reach out for his hand. "Oh bless your little gay soul." I began softly, being extra cautious of not letting Clay overhear as this was a more personal secret I wasn't sure if Tony was okay with Clay knowing. This made Tony smile. Not only in amusement of my comment but in gratitude of my concern over keeping his secret safe.

"But you should also know that I hate it when people apologize for her loss. She may have been my sister, but there are tons of other people who she was close to, not just me. Other people who need to know they're not the only ones who care. Other people like…" I finished, letting my voice trail off as I looked over at Clay who was continuing to pace but slower and sighed under my breath. I didn't want to say his name in fear it would catch his attention. Tony followed my gaze and gave me a look to show he understood what I was saying.

"I'm sure Hannah misses him dearly." Tony said after a few moments of silence which I thought of to be in dedication of her death, but almost on cue, Clay just rushes out quickly, ruining the moment. It was almost like he was waiting for those exact words and was just pacing to stall for time. I managed to be right on his heels as he made his way out because I reacted quickly due to catching him in the act.

"Clay!" I called after him but it was no use.

He got into a car and I stood in front of it, preventing him from leaving.

"I'm not joking, let me in right now." I said in a serious tone. Clay stared at me in silence before looking at the door then looking back at me.

"Get in before Tony gets here." He said simply, but with an impatient sense in his voice. I glance over to see Tony wasn't even out of the house yet and I nod at Clay before rushing into the passenger's seat.

He drives for what feels like hours and they were all made up of silence. I look out the window to watch as familiar landmarks of the city fade away.

"Where are we going?" I demanded, looking at him as the city seemed far out of view.  
"You'll see." He said, not bothering to even look at me.

"'You'll see?' Are you serious, Clay?" I said, beginning to let some of my anger show.  
"You're the one who insisted on coming."

I huffed and looked away, crossing my arms and leaning my weight against the car window. I couldn't argue, he had a point. Besides that brief dialogue, the car ride was silent. I soon realized he began to tense up and grabbed my thigh to keep control. He couldn't have been thinking straight. Was it really that bad? I began to worry more and more as we rode up to a more familiar place. A scary place.

"Clay, go back." I said urgently.

"No, you wanted to come. That's your fault." He replied simply, matching my tone.

"I said turn the car around!"

"No, I can't!"

"Yes you can, I'm not letting you do this. Turn the dam-!" I interrupted myself with a scream. I must have pushed Clay past his limit because he violently turned around and the car was spinning out of control. I held onto the most solid thing I could find and tried to calm down but it was no use. He was screaming my name in what sounded like last words but it was hard to hear them over the commotion. All I knew was that he was sorry.

Suddenly it all stopped. I was breathing hard and heavy. I could feel his eyes looking at me but I felt too numb to look back.

"I'm sorry." He finally said, his voice soft suddenly.

I didn't say anything, just got out of the car and walked out into the cold. I wasn't exactly expecting to be here so you could imagine I was unprepared to face this cold. I was wearing ripped jeans with a loose white t-shirt and a green jacket that was a bit too big for me and had the sleeves rolled up. Overall a rather simple and casual outfit, unfit for what I was getting myself into.

I hugged my arms and leaned against the car, letting my mind get lost in its own thoughts as it was soaked through the night sky. Rookie mistake.

Clay was apparently causing a scene in the car I was completely oblivious to, but I managed to catch him walk out to the cliff in extreme anger. It was clear by his actions he was ready to end it all.

"Woah, woah, woah!" I said in a sort of plead as I quickly walked up to him, stopping at a safe distance. "Please step away from the cliff. Let's talk this out!"

Clay shook his head slowly before speaking up after a long pause. "There's nothing to talk about, you won't understand."

"I won't understand if you don't tell me." I said, making sure I chose my words carefully to avoid making him even more upset which I didn't believe was possible at the moment but it was scary to know I was wrong.

He looked at me, seriously trying to decide whether or not to "give in", but soon reached a decision.

"I loved her, whether or not she loved me back." He began, his voice breaking up a little as I could tell he was trying not to cry.

I finally understood why he didn't want to tell me. He knew I haven't gotten the privilege of being able to fall in love. I looked away, clenching my fists at my sides. It was unfair.

"She meant everything to me and I'm the reason she's gone. Now I have nothing. What else is left to live for?" He raised his voice gradually as he spoke. He really sounded hurt. I could imagine some was from me looking away and slowly understanding his point. I couldn't let his dreading urge win.

"Don't say that, Clay. People like Tony… your family… everyone who cares for you are doing whatever they can to see you again." I told him, my voice coming off as simple as if I was stating a fact, which I practically was.

"Who else?" He said in what appears to come off in a way as if he had someone in specific for me to mention. I sighed, knowing who he was probably talking about.

"Hannah… she wouldn't want you to die for her. You and I both know she isn't that kind of person." I said softly. As soon as I said her name, Clay lost hope. No he didn't jump, but did something much worse. He rubbed his eyes, I wasn't getting it. If I didn't figure it out soon, he might jump and I'd have no one to blame but myself for failing him.

"I told you, you're not Tony, you're not going to get it." He snapped.

I was stunned, pausing a bit to process what he said and maturely deal with how hurt and offended I felt.

I must have not hid it from my eyes as well as I thought have because as soon as our eyes met, his expression softened to realize what he said.

"Madis, I'm really sorry."

"No, you're not, and neither am I. You're right, I'm not Tony but there are people like me who want to be like him and you jumping are just cutting them from truly understanding and helping you." I spoke slowly, letting my words sink in. It seemed effective enough to make Clay walk slowly towards me after a moment of hesitation, close too.

"There's no one like you, Madis." He said softly, his words made me shiver.

"I guess so." I said, swallowing hard as I looked into his eyes.

I could feel him closing the space between us and I soon restored it by leaning back a little slowly. It must have had some hint of hesitation or something in it because he still had a sight of hope lingering in his eyes.

"I can't, I'm not who you want and you know that." I said in almost a whisper. He wasn't alright, and I need to pull myself to see he didn't mean it. He was desperate and feeling hopeless. He wanted someone to fill the empty hole Hannah left inside him and I was apparently his best bet.

Clay paused to look at me then nodded, not exactly saying anything.

I bit my lip gently and slowly moved myself out of his grasp although it felt tempting to stay and live in a world of fake feelings.

I don't remember how but we slowly but surely got ourselves to get back in the car and ride back to Tony's place so I can retrieve my own car. Although now that I think about it, I don't remember Clay ever learning how to drive but I didn't want to call him out. Now wasn't the best time.

The whole car ride was silence again but it felt more awkward and I would once in a while shift my position in my seat in an uncomfortable way. He must have not picked up on the air around him because he sort of just sat there unbothered.

I caught on to see some of the landmarks seemed a little too familiar for us to be going back to Tony's place.

"I think you're going the wrong way." I said in almost a mumble as he turned into my street.

"No I'm not." He said when he was in front of my house. I looked out the window to stare at in some hesitation of getting out and exhaled. Something felt totally different now, something off about the house.

"Your car will be here waiting out here for you in the morning." He added when the car was at a complete stop.

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Of course, please take care of yourself."

When he said the last part, I turned to look at him, studying his expression before nodding again and getting out of the car. He was serious. I knew something was up and I was kicking myself for not pushing for a response. Although it was now warmer, my hands were still in my pockets and my steps were slower than normal. I could feel his eyes on me, making sure I was home safely.

I suddenly stopped when my eye caught something. I was breathless. I turned around to see Clay was already gone. Fuck him. I turned back to the box in front of my door and took a deep breath before picking it up in my hands. I didn't even have to open it to know what it was.

Inside were seven tapes with thirteen sides. Thirteen different sides of the story to why Hannah Baker killed herself. Thirteen reasons why I'll be likely to go down the same way.


	2. Chapter 2

He Did This To Us  
Chapter 2

Again, although the inside of my house was way warmer than outside, my fingers still shook in a shiver, which eventually took over my whole body as I stared at the box that was now sitting on the chair of my desk. I was sitting with my legs crossed on my bed which was across the room from the box. I felt so intimidated just staring at it somehow. Maybe it was all the secrets and answers, something I'd be afraid of learning and being trusted to keep. Hell, I had to sneak up into my room to avoid getting in trouble with my parents, but it's not like they cared. It was late, really late and a school night, although I was more of a rule follower when it came to these sort of things, it was worth saving a life.

Still, a selfish part of me wished I hadn't saved him. He was the reason why I was left here alone sitting on my bed practically shaking in fear without an explanation. Nobody to hold onto to tell me it's okay, even though I knew it wasn't. This must have been how Hannah felt.

It must have been forever until I gathered enough courage to get up and hold the box in my two hands. My eyes watered and my fingers trembled as they traced the top of the box before suddenly throwing the top off.

I couldn't breathe. Inside, like I predicted, were exactly seven tapes with thirteen sides, but what I didn't know, Clay put in what may have been the walkman _he_ used when listening to those tapes. I closed my eyes and put in the first tape. Mostly everything afterwards was a blur of frustration, sadness and a river of tears.

What I do remember was throwing the walkman across the room at the sound of her voice and bursting out into tears. I was most likely having a panic attack from the feeling of such intense trigger. My brain just couldn't handle it. You seriously can't think being the one to open the bathroom door to find your sister laying dead will do you no mental harm. That's just stupid to believe.

The thing that brought me out of it was the beaming daylight as it poured in through the bathroom window. I woke up in confusion as my body laid in the bathtub in so much mental and physical pain. I had a horrible migraine and my body ached from head to toe. It was so bad, I had to call into school sick. I obviously had to lie about why I was in that much pain.

I quickly came up with the excuse that I may have not slept right instead of telling them I spent the night with barely any sleep inside a bathtub because Clay gifted me with those fucking tapes. I could never, the bathroom was off limits after Hannah killed herself in it. I'm not even allowed to shower there. Now that I think about it, I must have really not be thinking straight. We haven't cleaned the room-let alone the tub-in weeks, possibly months.

If Clay hasn't fucked up enough already, he has been making my migraine worse with all his calls which begins makes it almost impossible to be stubborn and ignore him.

After I got the hint he wasn't going to quit, I answered reluctantly.

"What?" I groaned into the phone.

"Oh my god, Madis, you had me and Tony worried sick. Where are you and what's going on?"

I scrunched up my nose at his response. Worried would be the last thing I could picture them being. I remembered last night and how he said there was no one like me. The thought made me roll my eyes which eventually landed down to where my finger was tracing the designs of the covers on my bed-that I was back sitting on-in almost a fidget.

"I'm fine, just have a bit of a headache and your calls aren't helping." I replied, being careful with the way I spoke.

His sigh came out a bit muffled. "I'm sorry, would it just be better if I don't call you anymore?"

"I mean, I like hearing your voice, but you need to space out your calls because all the vibrating and ringing is giving me anxiety. Seriously, I could stick it up my vagina and use it as a vibrator. Y'all would make squirt in two seconds."

I could tell he was holding back a laugh which made me smile the tiniest bit. "Again, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better and be more considerate. Anyways, have you-?"

"Are you okay? This doesn't seem like you. You're never really this… concerned." I interrupted him, my smile disappearing as I bite my lip.

There was a pause, I could hear Tony's faint voice but I wasn't able to make out the words he was saying. "Madis, you saved my life. I'm sure it's the least I can do." He said finally.

I nodded, a small smile tugging back at my lips. "My house. After school. Both of you." I said in more of a demand than a question before hanging up and falling back into my bed.

I have no idea why but I felt so smiley and a lot better. It felt like all the worries of the world just disappeared. The tapes, everything. I needed that, but it had to end. Too soon it seemed like.

School was going to end in a little more than an hour and with all the soreness of my body, I'd need all the time I can use to prepare.

I chose a simple outfit: a tied up maroon-crimson sort of color tie dye Led Zeppelin shirt and ripped jeans with a daisy-dyed to match my shirt-tucked into one of the pockets. I frowned a little at my reflection. It kind of bothered me to know I don't look a lot like my parents; I am a natural redhead with straight hair and freckles scattered around my face but mostly around my nose. My eyes were also hazel, but tend to shift in and out of a green color at times.

I sighed and shook the thought out of my head. I looked amazing nonetheless so I tried not to talk myself down so much. I learned the hard way it wasn't healthy.

I heard a knock at the door and my mom soon answering it. I put on a little bit of makeup before plopping down on my bed.

As soon as I saw Clay, I smiled softly at him and he smiled back as he took a seat right next to me. Tony seemed a bit more preoccupied with something on my desk. I furrowed my eyebrows a little in concern of what was so interesting over there, I had nothing to really hide.

"Tony…?" I asked quietly, snapping my fingers a little in attempt to get him out of his gaze.

He picked up the opened box of tapes from the desk along with the walkman laying on the floor sloppishly not too far away from my desk and held them in the air.

I felt Clay's eyes on me along with Tony's as I tensed up a bit, biting my lip. Shit.

"You didn't even bother to hide it did you?" Tony said in what felt like a disappointed way.

"I honestly wasn't thinking. I didn't even consider that as something to hide." I said, my voice barely at a whisper.

"Do you at least mind… explaining?" He asked, looking me up and down.

I sighed. "I don't even know."

Tony nodded and set it back down neatly, probably figuring I didn't want to talk about it. Good.

"Why did you ask us to come?" Tony finally spoke up after we had a long moment of silence.

"I wanted to see you all, it felt too weird over phone." I said, glancing at Clay before adding in almost a mumble. "I also came to the conclusion that I have a lot of explaining to do."

They both nodded in agreement and Tony sat next to me, probably sensing this was going to take a while. Can't say he was wrong.

What I hoped to be a brief explanation and apology ended up being an hour and a half therapy session with Tony and Clay taking turns holding me as I sobbed into them. It was crazy how close we are for them to accept me at my very worst. Even crazier for them to be able to get be laughing again. I couldn't live without them. Nothing nor no one can change that.

"So there's another school dance?" I asked in some amazement.

"Apparently, yes." Tony said with a bright smile. "You'd think it'd be weird to have one again." I could feel him reached behind me to nudge Clay a little who let out a faint sigh.

I looked at him in confusion then Clay, awkward silence gradually filling the room.

"I don't think I got that far into the tapes yet." I said a bit sadly before giving him a weak smile. I didn't want to get that far. I didn't want to have the tapes in my possession in general. I glanced down at my hands, holding my breath as they clenched into fists, my nails digging into my skin. I knew it should have hurt-stung at least-but it didn't. I looked away and exhaled what felt like too soon. This all felt too soon.

They smiled a little as we continued to sit in silence. I saw how my mascara stained just below my eyes from all my crying but it looked natural enough for me to let it go. I still felt myself lift a finger to just delicately dab at it.

It felt new and wet. That's when I realized loose tears were escaping and not too long after I made that realization, Clay held me close to him.

"Clay-"

"It's my turn anyways." He interrupted, knowing I was probably going to scold him again. It became clear to me Clay's feelings weren't just out of need for repair, he really wanted me and I didn't want to lead him on without knowing how I felt about him myself. I exhaled and held back onto him. It wasn't hard to see we were definitely more than friends, but what?

It felt wrong to date him, especially after he would have made his last words about how much he loved Hannah. It felt like I was betraying her in a way.

I noticed Tony left the room to give us privacy and Clay took advantage of that. He laid us down on my bed so our heads would rest against my pillows. I couldn't take it. I had to ask.

"Did you mean it?" My voice came out in more of a squeak rather than the demanding voice I was hoping for.

Clay pulled away enough for him to study my expression. Probably not seeing anything good because his voice came out rather sad. "What do you mean?"

"When you said you loved her. Hannah." My voice crept out some demand, but held some accusation in him. It sort of just depended on whether he wanted the bad guy to me or him.

"Yes." There was no hesitation, but he seemed uncertain. Clay must have not been seeing it.

"Then you would know this is wrong." I said in a matter-of-factly tone as I tried to escape his grasp once again but it didn't work. I kept trying and soon began to panic.

"Clay, let me go." I demanded rather loudly. Where the hell was Tony when you need him?

"No, Madis, please." He held me closer, trying desperately to make me comfortable with him again.

"So help me god-"

"Madis-" He was interrupted by me punching him in the face. I almost immediately felt bad, but wasn't about to apologize as it was his fault.

I stood up, my breath heavy and noticed my lip was bleeding a little. He was covering his nose and groaning. Some blood dripped on my bed, great.

"The fuck…" He said quietly which made me stiffen a bit more.

"The fuck yourself." I said, straightening my posture.

"Me…? Oh, Madis, I-"

"Save it." I hissed, looking him in the eyes. "You know why I would panic in a situation like this."

"I thought you didn't get that far into the tapes?"

"I haven't, but I'm not an idiot." I said, looking him up and down. "Please leave as soon as your bleeding gets to a point where it doesn't drip."

"Please…"

I shook my head and left, leaving the door open for him. I had no idea what had gotten into him. What was he pleading for? Maybe I was wrong… maybe he was desperate.

I saw Tony at the bottom of the stairs and he was about to ask something before I pushed past him.

"Save it, Tony."

I walked towards the kitchen and poured myself some orange juice. I could see from the corner of my eye Tony was debating whether or not to ask what was going on from me or Clay. I could then hear him going up the stairs, which made me scoff quietly.

I held my juice in one hand and cautiously made my way to the stairs where I'd be able to overhear them. I was really silent but was only able to hear Tony asking questions.

"What's wrong with your nose, buddy?"

"She did what?"

"Clay…"

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to side with her on this one. It's wrong to feel that way, especially after Hannah." I smiled to myself, but it went away as soon as I realized what he meant.

"Tell her, she deserves an explanation at least." I looked down at my cup and walked away, figuring that was enough overhearing for today. I set my cup down on the counter and sighed. I wish Hannah was here with me right now, alive.

I looked up just enough to see the tapes sitting on top of the dinner table. Tony… but how? I could have sworn they were in my room the entire time, but they weren't exactly my number one focus during that moment. Now it was.

For as slow and cautious I was to creep over to the table, it felt like the next blink of an eye that I was sitting on the kitchen counter with a tape in my hands and her voice circling my mind. A little flutter of my heart wondered if I was sure, if I knew everything that would have happened after I would have said no. If I only heard it, but my gentle tears drowned it out.

Although I could easily pick out her voice from a crowd, all her words made her seem like a stranger. It felt like they were going one ear and out the other while I was hopelessly trying to understand. It gave me so much uncertainty towards my relationship with her and my other friends, it began to frighten me.

I gripped onto the nearest object I could find which just so happened to be an orange. It was the light sting of the juices on my skin that made me realized how hard I was holding onto it. One of my long nails was cut deep into the fruit and the juice were gradually beginning to shoot out. It was all so easy. Like a razor to a wrist.

I closed my eyes as the inner pain began to spiral through me. I threw the orange and it unintentionally landed directly in the trash. Great, but it wasn't the best moment. Then again, there's never been a best moment has there?

I felt the loose tears fall down my cheek in the softest and most gentle manner as I looked down at the walkman. It all felt too real and I wasn't ready. I held it close to my chest as I walked up the stairs, my steps light and my pace slow. My eyes glittered around my surroundings, the paintings on the wall and family photos until a realization hit me.

Hannah wasn't in a single family photo-or photo in general. It all made sense now. You'd think that your parents would be more uptight rather than the loose, careless people they appear to be today after one of their children died. I always wondered why my parents were this way and it kinda made me feel guilty for not figuring it out sooner. They're trying to forget Hannah, like she was never here in the first place as if to pretend nothing happened in the first place.

"Oh my fucking god…" I said under my breath as I rushed up the stairs, the tears getting heavier. I slammed the door shut to my room and threw my numb body against a wall where I let everything come out. I cussed at complete nothing and even threw the tapes at the radio in my room, knocking it down.

I continued to sob until I heard the sound of what sounded like a child's voice. Young Hannah's voice. She was singing and although it wasn't exactly in the best voice imaginable, I couldn't help but feel amazed and so in awe. I gulped and cautiously walked towards it, my hands shaking slightly. It took a little while for me to finally understand she was singing "I See the Light" from Tangled, one of our favorite childhood movies.

I held the radio close to my chest and brought it next to be in my bed, turning down the volume a bit as I walked. I crawled into my bed and let my tears stream down my cheeks. I felt hopeless, like my blankets were trapping me and suffocating me to a point where I felt like I couldn't breathe.

The strangest part that scares me the most is that this feeling isn't unfamiliar, a stranger. It's suicidal. I was suicidal. Notice the past tense?

 **Hello readers. As some of you may have noticed, I wasn't able to update this story for a while. That's because not only have I been busy with school, I was beginning to lose inspiration and interest in the story. It also has to do with my mind being focused on things like school that I must prioritize over this. I apologize, but it must be done because it's the right thing to do. It wouldn't be fair to you all for me to just abandon my story without any heads up. Despite all the setbacks, I will still try to continue my practice in writing. I have a new idea that I want to pull through with, and plan to come back with stronger writing and a more interesting plot when I feel ready to commit to the responsibility of posting daily chapters again. Thank you to those who understand, and once again, I apologize. I'm also upset because I had so much planned. Who knows, maybe I can bring it back later?**


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